In this article, Rabbi Daniel Fine explains how we can be forgiving without being naïve. A version of this article was originally published on Aish.com.

In most workplaces someone makes a mistake from time to time. In most relationships someone makes a mistake from time to time. Most parents make mistakes, most teachers, lawyers and doctors too make mistakes. Every human being I know has made a mistake at some point in their lives – we are not perfect. And the natural reaction one is taught to have when someone else makes a mistake is to be forgiving – ‘let it slide, it’s not his fault, it’s good for you to get the stress of your back, etc.’ are the popular buzz-sentences. But suppose I don’t believe in all that – suppose in this instance I think it really was my spouse’s fault for not being there to pick up the kids on time, or that my neighbor did buy a better car than ours on purpose, or that my kids do treat me with less respect than I feel I deserve: what do I do then?
The problem is then often formulated as follows: am I naive for still forgiving them or letting it slide? And if I do forgive them I often feel like I’m being walked all over?

Judaism has a concept of giving people the benefit of the doubt – learnt from the Torah, the Talmudic saying is ‘judge every person favorably.’ Indeed, this goes so far that the Talmud discusses a case whereby a worker was not paid by his boss on time. Instead of pressing his case, the worker simply assumed that his boss had very little money available to pay his wage. This went on for several months before the worker was paid the full sum. And it turned out that the worker was correct – the boss had experienced a freak shortage of funds over those few months, and the worker was commended for giving his boss the benefit of the doubt. Though this turned out to be the case the question still remains – this seems a remarkable case of wishful hoping at best and naivity at its most frank! What is the idea here?

A 13th century French Rabbi called Rabbi Isaac Joseph of Corbeil (colloquially known as ‘the Smak’) provided a classic mini-thesis dissecting this precept. He explained that the concept of judging others favourably is one of attribution. Social psychology is awash with studies that show that when it comes to my own mistakes I tend to attribute them to situational factors, and when it comes to my successes I tend to attribute the success to me. But when it comes to others the effect is the reverse – I ascribe other people’s failures to themselves and their successes to situational factors. In short, I see myself as successful and my failures on beyond my control – but others’ mistakes define my impression of them.

This is where the judging favorably concept comes in. Judging favorably doesn’t call for me to be naive – it doesn’t mean I need to invent an imaginary world where everyone is right and innocent, beyond that which is feasible and probable. But it does teach us to encounter the possibility of ascribing a success to someone and attributing any failures to matters beyond their control. For this is the balance one ascribes to themselves too – just use the same bias you have towards you and be consistent in applying it to others too.

As a parent I am very quick to defend my kids – when I hear a bad report about my kids’ behavior in school I am quick to blame other kids instead. Because he’s my kid, my angel and can do nothing wrong. I attribute that same bias I do to myself when it comes to my son – his successes are his and his mistakes someone else’s. For he’s in my circle, so to speak, and I view him in a positive light. Achieving this with another person is what we are called to do in redressing our bias and seeing others as ‘part of my circle too’.

A few weeks ago I took my kid swimming: I try my best to teach him to swim, after which we throw ball to each other across the shallow end of the pool: father-son bonding at its best. At one point another kid saw us playing – diving around try to catch each other’s throw – and started screaming at us all kind of insults and generally acting up, after which he asked if he could play too. Inside I was practically furious that a kid could shout at an adult with such brazenness and lack of regard, and was about to unleash my well-honed ‘this would never have happened in my generation’ speech (at least mentally). I was just about to tell this kid that he was not welcome to play with us if he behaved like that, when my son candidly whispered in my ear ‘daddy, you know who that kid is.’ He then whispered the boy’s name and immediately my reaction changed. I knew this boy’s family from the neighborhood, and I realised his father had been killed in a terrorist attack a few months earlier. I no longer saw the kid as the embodiment of chutzpah, but rather felt so grateful that this kid could still go swimming, was functional, and could enjoy life somewhat. He was now ‘in my circle’ and I threw him the ball.