In this article, Rabbi Micha Berger asks: How do we balance compassion for others with a healthy sense of self?
When we generally think of rachamim (compassion) or chessed (lovingkindness) we usually think in terms of abnegation. For example, the way introductory texts to Chassidus typically portray their notion of bitul hayeish – nullification of [one’s own] existence. For example, Rabbi Jacob Immanuel Shochet writes (The Mysical Tradition, chapter on “Bitul”):
Of this self-centered person G d says, “I and he cannot dwell together.” That person is so full of himself that in him there remains no place for G d. Of this the Baal Shem Tov taught: Self-aggrandizement is worse than sin. For of all defilements and sins it is written, “Who dwells with them in the very midst of their impurity” (Leviticus 16:16); of the arrogant, however, it is said, “and he cannot both dwell in this world,’ as it is written, ‘I cannot tolerate him who has haughtiness and a proud heart’ (Psalms 101:5).”
Bitul Hayesh thus means total self-negation. The ego, all and any forms of selfhood, must be nullified. It has no place in the consciousness of Divine omnipresence…
Similarly, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, in “Dear Rabbi, Dear Doctor,” (pg 200), contrasts the roles of psychology’s notion of self-affirmation with what he describes as mussar‘s recommendation of bitul, defined as self-effacement. Rabbi Dr. Twerski is quite definitely speaking of lower-case-m mussar, the self-work, that would be involved in his own tradition of Chassidus, rather than referring to the path of the movement launched by Rav Yisrael Salanter, the movement named Mussar with a capital “M”.
This isn’t what bitul actually means; as I said, this is the first impression given in introductory texts. After all the self-same Rabbi Twerski writes,
People often ask me, “Is it true that you’ve written over fifty books? How did you find time, with your busy schedule to write so many books?” I tell them that I did not really write fifty books. I wrote one book, in fifty different ways. Almost everything I write relates in one way or another to the theme of self-esteem. (My Own Struggle with Low Self-Esteem; https://abrahamtwerski.com/2016/09/05/my-own-struggle-with-low-self-esteem)
There is a whole analysis here of the difference between self-esteem, self-love, self-importance, self-interest, etc… to tease out subtleties.
Still, the basic message is that the key to chessed, to lovingkindness, is to start by getting oneself out of the way.
Rav Shimon Shkop, in the introduction to his magnum opus, “Shaarei Yosher” (Gates of Honesty) argues for quite a different approach. (All further quotes are translated from this introduction. Those translations as well as all the ideas in this column are taken from a forthcoming book on the ideas it raises.)
Our call to be kind, generous, compassionate, loving, and patient and so on with other people is framed in terms of imitating G-d. The Rambam (Laws of Dispositions 1:6) writes of the Thirteen Divine Attributes of Compassion:
Thus the sages have taught us, in explanation of this commandment: “As He is called ‘Gracious’, so should you also be gracious; as He is called ‘Merciful’, so should you also be merciful; as He is called ‘Holy’, so should you also be holy. And after this manner did the prophets call God by all these attributes; as for instance, long-suffering, abundant in goodness, just and right, perfect, mighty and strong, and the like; for the purpose of informing us, that these ways are good and right, and that a man is bound to conduct himself therein, and thus resemble Him as far as is in human power.
And in his Guide to the Perplexed (1:54), the Rambam tells us this idea is how our sages understood the verse, “You shall be holy, for I am Holy.” (Vayiqra 21:2) Being holy is emulating the example of Compassion He sets for us.
Rav Shimon notes that while the midrash in Toras Kohanim comments on this verse, “‘be holy’ – be separate”.
What relevance does the concept of separation have to being similar to the Holy One? The verse tells us with regard to this that His Will is not like this. As it says, “Can it [truly] be ‘Like Me?’ This is why [the midrash] continues, ‘For I am holy’ to teach that My sanctity is higher than yours.”
… [W]hat of a person who decides to submerge his nature, to reach a high level so that he has no thought or inclination in his soul for his own good, only a desire for the good of others? In this way he would have his desire reach the sanctity of the Creator, as His Desire in all of the creation and management of the world is only for the good of the created, and not for Himself at all.
At first glance, one might say that if a person reached this level, he would reach the epitome of being whole. But this is why our Sages of blessed memory teach us in this Midrash that it is not so. We cannot try to be similar to His Holiness in this respect.
For His Holiness is greater than ours. His Holiness is only for the created and not for Himself because nothing was ever added to or could ever be added to the Creator through His Actions, anything He did or does. Therefore all His Desire could only be to be good to the created.
G-d doesn’t deny His Essence, His Ego, He doesn’t need to. Hashem has only a single interest, to bestow good on us. There is no need for Him to take Himself out of the way. And so too, Hashem doesn’t demand bitul from us. The mishnah (Bava Metzi’a 62a) discusses the case of two travelers who have only one canteen of water, only enough water to keep one of them alive. Bar Petura says they should share the water, rather than one watch the death of the other. But halakhah follows the opinion of Rabbi Aqiva, “your life comes first”. It is appropriate for the owner of the canteen to save himself.
Rav Shimon Shkop notes:
Rabbi Akiva taught us, “your life comes first.” [Our sages] left us a hint of it when they interpret the scripture “Love your neighbor as yourself” in a negative sense, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your peers.” In terms of obligation, it is fitting for a person to place his own good first.
Without a sense of self-worth, we won’t have what to contribute to others. Perhaps we can view a line from a typical pre-flight safety instruction as a metaphor. “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” The person who passes out from smoke inhalation or other oxygen deprivation cannot care for a child. So that even though placing the child’s mask on first appears to be the kinder choice, we need to care for ourselves in order for that to be possible.
How then do we balance the call to holiness, which is to imitate Hashem’s compassion for others, and a healthy sense of self?
According to Rav Shimon, the synthesis comes from viewing compassion in entirely different terms:
The entire “I” of a coarse and lowly person is restricted only to his substance and body. Above him is someone who feels that his “I” is a synthesis of body and soul. And above him is someone who can include in his “I” all of his household and family. Someone who walks according to the way of the Torah, his “I” includes the whole Jewish people, since in truth every Jewish person is only like a limb of the body of the nation of Israel. And there are more levels in this of a person who is whole, who can connect his soul to feel that all of the world and worlds are his “I”, and he himself is only one small limb in all of creation. Then, his self-love helps him love all of the Jewish people and [even] all of creation.
In his worldview, one does not and should not eliminate the blinding love of self in order to love others. Rather, one extends self-love by realizing how each of us is part of creation as a whole. Thus, our self-love motivates our giving to others, not interferes with it. He thereby presents us with a path that is natural to today’s Western individual, with our current focus on autonomy and self, and yet brings us to working toward something greater than ourselves.
This path is also reflected in how we are to prioritize our giving charity. The Shulchan Arukh (Yoreh Dei’ah 251:3) rules:
One who gives to his adult sons and daughters that he is not obligated to support [because they are independent adults] to enable the sons to learn Torah and the daughters conducted on the honest path, similarly one who gives money to his parents and they need it, [there act] is included in tzedaqah. Not only that, but also this must come before [supporting] others.
Even if it is not one’s child, and not one’s parent, but a relative, he must come before general people. … And the poor of his home before the poor of his city, and the poor of his city before those of another city…
And the Rama begins his gloss
One’s own support comes before anyone [else’s], and he is not obligated to give tzedaqah until he has his own support…
We share with everyone because we feel part of the unity of our family, our community, the Jewish People, humanity, creation. But it is okay and proper for those to be concentric rings, that one’s resources go to oneself first, then one’s family, and so on. Just as in Rabbi Aqiva’s ruling about who drinks the water in the desert.
The key to kindness is thus not viewed in terms of bitul, getting oneself out of the way, but hitztarfus, seeing that we are all connected. We do not give to others, we give to “me and mine”. And the key to developing generosity is to enlarge our souls to include as many as possible within that “me and mine”.
As Rav Shimon Shkop beautifully continues:
In my opinion, this idea is hinted at in Hillel’s words. As he used to say, “If I am [not] for me, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am I?” It is fitting for each person to strive to be concerned for himself. But with this, he must also strive to understand that “I for myself, what am I?” If he constricts his “I” to a narrow domain, limited to what the eye can see [is him], then his “I” – what is it? Vanity and ignorable. However, if his feelings are broader and include [all of] creation, then he is a great person and also like a small limb in this great body, then he is lofty and of great worth.
The author also wrote Widen Your Tent, a book about the purpose of the Torah, the definition of holiness and the meaning of life based on Rav Shimon Shkop’s introduction and this notion of extending my “I”.